7 Things I’ve learned From Having An Almost-2-Year-Old

Truth be told, there are many more things I’ve learned from the statement above but I don’t count much past seven these days…because I have an almost-2-year-old.

  1. Growing Teeth Is The Worst
    • I don’t remember much about growing teeth, but everything I’m witnessing makes me believe I’m blocking it out of my memory for a reason.  Honestly, I’m not sure growing teeth is the worst part.  Sleeping next door to a person trying to grow teeth seems much worse.
  2. You Will Despise People Who Talk About Binge Watching TV
    • “Oh, I just watched an entire season of House of Cards last weekend,” and “OMG.  How are you not caught up on Game of Thrones?” are phrases that make you want to punch people in the face.  I get it.  You have no f*cking responsibilities.  You can order a pizza and watch 6 hours of TV, fall asleep for an hour, then wake up and watch 4 more hours.  I was you once.  You know what I am now?  Responsible for keeping another human alive.  Because of that, I can barely spare enough time to order a pizza, let alone pay for it.  You enjoy your marathon of CSI: Tallahassee though.  I’ll be over here considering 30 minutes of TV time without falling asleep a moral victory.
  3. You Will Survive A Choking Hazard Situation And Not Realize It
    •  Though not extremely funny, it’s extremely true.  Case in point, a trip to the grocery store that involved the consumption of 20+ grapes while shopping.  Like a responsible Dad, I was aware that my son was at the age where he was able to consume grapes, having witnessed the activity at the house earlier in the week.   When we arrived home after 2 hours at the grocery store (yes, sometimes it takes 2 hours with an almost-2-year-old) and told Mom of our grape-fueled shopping experience, we were not met with a laugh, but a look of horror and the phrase, “Whole grapes?”  Apparently, I was listening to the fact that he could eat grapes but not watching the process of my wife cutting them up into pieces.  At the end of the day I guess he could eat whole grapes?  So technically I was right.
  4. Your Knees Have Feelings Too
    • It’s a fact.  One second you’re walking out of the living room, the next second your heart is melting because, unexpectedly, there’s a little human wrapped around your knees.  Opening the fridge to get some mustard and BOOM…knee hug.  Have a rough day at work?  You better leave that baggage at the door because the minute it opens you’re getting served a big ol’ helping of knee hugs.  (And you really understand that your knees have feelings when you get blindsided by a knee hug and fall to the ground to avoid smashing your child in oblivion.  Ying and yang, I suppose.)
  5. The Origins of Slam Poetry Started At This Age
    • I’m convinced someone in the 90’s had an almost-2-year-old and was like, “He just says the lyrics however he wants to say them.  Wait a second.  This kid is onto something.  I don’t really know how this song is supposed to go either, but that is no longer a problem because this is no longer music…it’s um…uh…slam poetry!”  Case in point, my son’s rendition of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” comes flowing out of him like he’s a combination of Malcolm X and William Shatner.
  6. The Wheels On The Motherf*cking Bus Never Stop
    • When your child learns to sing “The Wheels On The Bus” it’s absolutely the most adorable thing ever.  Soon after, you realize there’s a reason why it’s a cult classic…someone in a cult must have come up with it because that shit gets in your head and DOES NOT LEAVE.  (There is one pleasant side effect, however.  Your child’s excitement for city buses, school buses and VW buses…yes, I’ve trained him well…rekindles your own excitement for buses.  So much so that you will often find a sudden urge to yell out “Bus!” when one drives by you…and then ask yourself what type of bus you just saw.  Oddly enough, it does make the commute more enjoyable.)
  7. You And Your Child Have A Very Different Definition of Bedtime
    • Mom and Dad’s 4 Simple Steps To Bedtime: 1) read a story 2) brush your teeth 3) sing a song 4) give a goodnight hug.
    • An Almost-2-Year-Old’s 49 Simple Steps To Bedtime: 1) express displeasure with the very notion of sleep 2) avoid taking arms out of shirt to put on pajamas 3) pretend you are going to sit still while getting diaper changed 4) kick feet wildly 5) laugh hysterically 6) pretend to be calm 7) throw pacifier onto floor 8) get very angry that pacifier is now on the floor 9) cry for 3 seconds then move on 10) grab at least five books to read, even though the limit is two 11) decide one page in that this is not the book you were searching for 12) get angry and flail about 13) go limp, just for fun 14) get the book you really want 15) put up with ridiculous voices Dad makes up for characters in said book (Oscar The Grouch does not have an Irish accent you idiot) 16) get pissed that we can’t read all 50 books on the shelf 17) pull all 50 books off of shelf 18) find your happy place 19) run out of the room laughing 20) enter the bathroom, get up on the stool and try to simultaneously turn the water on and remove the drain plug before Dad notices 21) brush teeth with toothbrush 22) brush face with toothbrush 23) ignore Dad’s offer to help 24) go limp again when Dad insists he has to help brush teeth 25) run out of the bathroom laughing 26) request a pacifier for mouth, another to hold and another that will be used to bang on the wall in six minutes 27) request to be held for the singing portion of bedtime 28) request placement in crib if holding is not to my liking 29) immediately regret that decision and request to be held again 30) immediately regret that decision and request to be placed back in the crib 31) make an inaudible demand and cry 32) make the sign for milk in a room that is completely dark 33) get angry if milk is not placed in your hand within one second 34) say “Milk” very loudly 35) smile in the dark as Dad runs to the kitchen 36) drink an entire cup of milk without taking a breath, then gasp for air 37) ask for water 38) get angry if water is not placed in your hand within one second 39) ask for Mom 40) when Mom arrives and Dad leaves the room, ask for Dad again 41) cry if Dad does not return to room within one second 42) have a starring contest with inanimate objects 43) bang on wall when parents exit room to prove you’re not asleep 44) slowly drop pacifiers onto floor, then yell that you would like a pacifier 45) repeat steps 37-44 46) accept fact that you are tired 47) cough loudly to see if parents return to room 48) smile and realize you get to do it all again tomorrow 49) sleep
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