Shit Show

Captain’s Log – Day 1,604

We were awoken this morning at 6:32 by a small boy running past our quarters, seemingly in a rush to get to the toilet. Upon getting out of bed to inspect the situation, we heard whining from the kennel in the front room. Surprised that we had actually gotten an uninterrupted night of sleep – one of only a handful of times on this four-year journey – we realized the dog needed to go outside. My co-captain let the puppy out to do his business, and returned him to the kennel. In the meantime, the now naked boy jumped onto my bed, and I helped him find his clothes and sent him to the basement bathroom with the co-captain to finish getting ready for the day. I knew we were all awake for the day now, so I let the dog out of the kennel.

I heard some chatter coming from the little lady’s sleeping quarters, so I went in to help her from her crib. I noticed quite the smell coming from her diaper, so I got her changed and dressed. While on the changing table, the puppy kept coming in the room and whining, but as I had a naked baby on top of the dresser, there was not much I could do at the time.

After finally getting the toddler to sit still long enough to get dressed, we ventured out to the main living quarters. My nostrils were still picking up the scent of waste, but I knew it couldn’t be her – I had just changed her. As I came into the front room, I saw it. Over to the right, near the play tent, there was the unmistakable dark spot on the floor that could be nothing other than a small pile of dog feces. Upon further inspection, and much to my disgust, there were a few spots of poop inside the tent as well. I frantically called for my co-captain’s assistance but he could not be found. He was still in the basement with the boy, taking their sweet time getting dressed.

I set the toddler down to play while I grabbed the dog by his collar to lead him outside. Unfortunately, this made the puppy think it was morning play time. He had no idea he was in trouble, and just bounded right back into the house before the door shut all the way. By now, the co-captain had made it upstairs to see what all the commotion was. As I was assessing the situation, I hear the boy cry behind me “No babes, that’s not for you!”

Assuming this was another day starting off with the two of them fighting over a dump truck (mind you, we have 2 of these dump trucks now – another story for another day), I ignored it for the moment while I tried to gather up floor cleaner, rags and bags. As I kneel down to start the cleaning, the co-captain quickly runs into the room, bee-lining straight for the toddler. To be honest, I’m impressed with the speed of him at this hour of the day. I turn to see what has happened, and a scene from my nightmares slowly unfolds before my eyes. The co-captain swiftly grabs the toddler and lifts her from where she was playing on the floor, heading straight to the bathtub. My eyes pan down to a giant pile of dog shit that I didn’t see before, which clearly has toddler fist-sized gaps missing. I see dark brown smears on her clothes. By some miracle, the co-captain was able to grab her before it got any worse.


Needless to say, the dog got to experience a bitter cold Minnesota morning on the porch, the toddler got a bath, the boy got some quality entertainment, the co-captain got a quick workout, and I got real familiar with carpet cleaner.

But don’t worry. The tent lives another day.

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